Isn’t it strange how despair can never leave hope alone? Like they are soulmates.
How we are sure of the decisions we make, when we make them, but it hardly takes anything to dispel that surety to tatters.
We are so hopeful when we make those decisions but filled to brim with despair as soon as that bubble of surety is pricked.
I too made some half sure, half convinced decisions some months back and am going through what I can claim to be despair. I made a decision to not listen to my heart and listen to voices that claimed to be wiser and for the first time in life i feel regret. There is a reason why the wise advise you to listen to your heart. It knows, they say. I think it does.
Here is a little life story. A part of my day. A part of my thoughts. Not the whole despair, but a part of it:
The other day I was making tea, the brother was lounging around reading the newspapers and we thought dad was upstairs doing morning puja. Well he was; until we heard some muffled sobs. I turned around to see him sobbing silently. He was going around doing his work but he was also sobbing. Confused I asked him, “What happened, papa?” He said, “Nothing bachha.” But continued sobbing. I asked him again. I told him, “Look, how will we know if you don’t tell us.” Now I am the last person who knows how to handle tears. Especially that of others! We again asked him a couple of times and he continues in his denial mode while the tears kept streaming. I left him at that thinking maybe he is missing mom. (She has gone to meet her mom in Kerala.)
After a while, when he is all ready for office and done with breakfast and all he tells me, “Bachha, don’t sit at home like this all day. Get out. Breathe some fresh air.” Now I get him. What is gnawing at his core is seeing his daughter at home and not really having a life. I do work from home but these days I am nowhere near what I used to be. I tell him, “Dad, none of my school friends are here anymore. And those of who are, we don’t connect anymore. I mean what they have to talk about is about husbands, kids, maids, mother-in-laws. And what I have to talk about is about chasing dreams, ambition, books, writing, startups, ideas. I don’t have any like-minded friends here. And there are no events or meet ups where I can go.“
I tell him, “I told you and mom a million times, don’t be stubborn about getting me back from Bangalore. Dad…everyone has a dream about their own lives. I too have one. Or had one.” I see the pain come up on his face and I stop.
Not that I want to hurt him, but I just wanted to tell him that sometimes people know what’s good for them. Parents are right but not always. Even when the kid agrees to them, it may not be that they are convinced. Maybe they just want some peace. He tells me, “Then atleast take an office here and work from there. You will have a routine. It will be good for you.” I agree and tell him that once I am back from my Kerala trip I will look for an office space.
This was a week back but I know he is still not at peace. I can feel the undercurrents time and again that crop up in some conversations. There are still a lot of things going on in his mind. He somewhere senses the dreams I am fast burying and adjusting to in this new life that has been my want for the past 4 months. Finally, today morning he drops a bomb. In fact a lifeline. He tells me to go chase my dreams and never give up on them. He tells me never look down, never let go of life, never let go of a chance to win in life. Go fly. That will make me happy. He not has a wish, he has a plan too. He wants me to pull a coupé!
He has yet again given me his finger and tells me he is there. I am thrilled that I have another chance at a life I have always wanted. I always wanted to live in a metro and in a pad of my own. And Bangalore and me was love at first sight. There is something in that city that pulls me. I love being there. Everyone tells me I was the liveliest when I was there. And fathers don’t deny their daughters anything that their heart wishes for. He tells me to stop playing it safe and take tough decisions.
But as the day progresses I am sinking into my black hole, again. There is fear gnawing my mind. I will have to begin from the scratch. Yet again. I have to make a choice between writing, thetalespensieve.com and a more economically lucrative option. Where will I find that option? Dad tells me for sure go with your startup but get a foot hold first. Get to where you want to be physically first.
A man stands holding light but I am stumbling through a dark tunnel right now. I want to run towards that light. I want to feel the fresh air on my face. But I have to get there for that. I feel a hopelessness but I also feel a need to get up and hope. I tell myself that is the only thing that will take me forward. I tell myself I can lose anything but hope.
I am stumbling but I want to get there.
I don’t know the way, but I know I want to get there.
I don’t know if I will, but I want to get there.
Leave me you positive thoughts. I would love to read them and feel inspired. This story will continue…